Electra Heart
by needsmoreicing
Summary: The girl, the boy, and the life style that drove her off the edge. Can she ever heal the heart she hurt the most? Winner of Best Tess and Best Tess/Jason in the Indie Camp Rock Awards.
1. Fear and Loathing

A/N: Thank you so much to Anna, Beth, and Logan for helping me with this fic [even though Anna detests Jess] This Quad is based of a series of videos done by Marina and the Diamonds. This one is called "Fear and Loathing", which is actually the visual image I tried to convey here. I recommend watching this video.

* * *

In reality, I probably should have seen this coming. But I was either to strung out or drunk to care. The lights still glimmered their party colors, broken bottles, glitter, and the sticky marble floor reflected the rainbow with the in coming sunlight.

They mocked me with their laughing colors, lingering together reminding me of my loneliness. Every day alone. Even surrounded in a sea of people I was still alone. They didn't want me, they wanted what I had. They want the cheap thrill that comes with having something that others don't. But no amount of money, alcohol or painkillers can mask that emptiness.

The sun continued to rise and came in brightly from the bay window, burning my eyes causing me to lean my head back against the couch, sinking further to the floor. Tears burned over what I knew were blood shot eyes, and spilled over. They cut through my carefully applied make-up and my carefully constructed lies. My body shook with emotions that overwhelmed me, all consuming, all conquering. My hands sank into the white shag rug as I tried to will the pain away.

"I didn't pick this." My sobs echoed in the empty hallways. Blindly, I stumbled to my feet knocking over what I was sure to be a priceless vase. I stared at it for a good while, until my vision blurred and I forced myself to blink. A hollow laugh escaped my lips as I looked down at the vase, with it's broken pieces mixed with wine glasses and beer bottles, with no real difference between the three. It was ironic really, how it only had value when pieced together and could be as worthless as beer glass when smashed to a million pieces.

The foreign crazed laugh didn't stop as I ignored my groaning aches and pain, tumbling up the stairwell. I made it all the way to my room before I emptied myself. Acid, artificial flavoring and something that tasted a little too sweet covered my taste buds, followed with could only be described as the worst dry mouth in the history of man.

Wiping my mouth with the back of my arm, I tried to make it to my vanity with more precision. I plopped down on the plush chair and began applying make-up. I couldn't even bother myself to take off what I had left from the night before. I paused in mid-stroke, gazing at myself in the mirror. Is this what my life had been reduced too? Pretty lies up kept even though everyone knew the truth? Setting the brush down, I turned my gaze to the room.

Gold, gold everywhere.

All that glitters is gold. Isn't that what Midas had said? Someone had. The word stuck in my head. Gold. Gold. Gold. _Gold. _Like a chant that just wouldn't stop and wound in with my hangover. Gold.

I glimpsed at my mirror again, my hair was even gold. Damaged and brittle from all the abuse from never taking care of it properly, stiff just like the metal that seemed to define my life. _"All that glitters is gold, Tess, don't forget that."_ Is that right, mommy dearest?

The face in the mirror contorted into a face that wasn't quite mine as I picked up the scissors from my shelving. Gold. I was so sick of it, of everything.

_Snip._

The air rush from my lungs, and for a minute I stared at the lady in the glass. What had she done? What had I done? The worry was over washed with a sense of empowerment. That was right, I could still change myself. When had I decided that kindness was weak?

_Snip._

Or that I had to be alone? Use other people's words with my voice? I could still be anything that I wanted to be! I was Tess Tyler, dammit.

_Snip._

I paused in the mirror again and looked at the half-crazed woman. I was no longer Tess.

_Snip._

But I wasn't Thessaly Irene Tyler either. I was someone new, still venturing, still searching in the chaos.

_Snip._

But I was closer to the light than I'd ever been before. Partying was over rated, Drugs were expensive, Booze stained your carpets, and gold...

I took the last piece of long hair between the scissors and held it in my hands.

Gold was dead.

_Snip._

* * *

_"Pop princess Tess Tyler was seen yesterday leaving a building yesterday debuting a new do. Rumor has it that the daughter of TJ Tyler cut it off after a party dare gone wrong. Either way it looks great. But we can't help but wonder... has the starlet finally lost her shine?"_ He sighed as they showed the blonde bombshell leaving what looked like a corporate high rise. She looked thin, tired, and just worn out on life in general. It wasn't unusual to see her like this now, but it still took him by surprise when he saw her. In his mind, Tess was still the defrosting queen of camp and just learning what it meant to be happy. What it meant to smile. What it truly meant to fly from the nest.

But she never made it out. She caved in on herself, running back to the only life that she knew and blurred away every reaching hand. She'd clipped her own wings, feared her flight. She'd been so close, _so damn close._

Jason ran a hand through his hair and set his coffee back down on the counter with the sigh, muting Hot Tunes and just closing his eyes. Tess had to get better on her own, he knew that now but that didn't mean he hadn't tried first. Maybe when she woke-up, she'd realize that there will still people to turn too, people who still cared. He open his eyes and they landed on the one thing that stilled tied them together.

That stupid bird house.

* * *

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Everyone asks me that now.

"Yes, I'm positive." But I'm not.

"Tess, this is your _house._ Once you sell this, you can't just come back and take it for yourself. You'd have to buy it back." I bite back the rude retort that bubbled in my throat. I knew how housing markets worked; I had moved enough as a kid. But Dana didn't deserve that; I didn't deserve Dana.

"It's not mine." That much was true, I couldn't even walk through the door anymore without feeling like an invader. "I- I just need to start over Dana." I took a deep breath and pretended to flip through a real-estate magazine. Her hand covered the pages and I could feel her eyes searching mine. So much warmth and understanding, just like there had always been. "I need to prove to myself that I don't have to be like..._ this. _That I can still have a chance, take it and actually be something."

Dana would understand, how could she not with Axel as her father, but Sander wouldn't be as forgiving. Dana knew; she picked up the phone on the first ring when I reached for her, loyalty to something she saw potential and worth in made her unshakable from my side even at my worst.

"Okay then." She removed her hand from the glossy pages and picked up the paper pamphlet. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her circle something but the agent came over.

"Hi, which one of you is Tess?" As if he didn't already know, he didn't even bat an eye at Dana. He had the same smile as every wolf, and this sheep knew better.

"The one leaving. Come on Dana."

* * *

Dana found the person to sell what had become "the Hair salon" and she found my new house.

"And what is it about this new place that you like more than the other?" Dr. Helen Talbot ask me, propping her feet up on the coffee table in her office. It was one of the many things that I liked about her. The eye-brow ring, burgundy hair, and the sneaking suspicion that she had a tattoo or two made me pick her.

"All of the walls are white, except for the stone wall, I like that..." I leaned back in the leather chair and looked out of the window. "It means that I can do whatever I want, verses what someone else thinks that I would want."

"So a symbolic cleansing of sorts. The stone wall sort of represents your past and a 'foundation', if you will, and the white for the new chapter you're starting." She offered with a slight grin, holding her coffee to her stomach and rhythmically drumming her fingers on the ceramic.

"I know that I'm supposed to be all artsy and stuff," I ran a hand through my shortened locks "but they're walls. I'm gonna paint them whatever damn color I want, put whatever furniture I want in my rooms and use the kitchen to actually cook... you know... maybe."

"Excuse me, let me correct myself then. You want to take the aperance of the new house-"

"Loft."

"whatever, and make it into whatever you want... much like you're doing with you're life." She gave a smirk.

"I still think you're reading too much into this."

"Eh, it's my job." Helen looked over at a small digital clock on the wall. "So, same time next week?" I nodded.

"Okay, now, I know you don't want to think about anti-depressants but maybe I could find some type of tea or something and you could try that."

"No pills?" She shook her head and gave a tiny smile before standing up to open the door.

"No pills." She opened her arms and looked at me expecantly. "What? You're making progress emotionally, you should do the same physically." I hestiantly sank into the hug, and almost immediatly regretted it. No one hugged me except for the one person I had hurt the most. The one person who really mattered.

_Jason._

* * *

He looks at me, us, skeptically.

"Mister Brown, I can assure you that Tess has made excellent progress." Helen hands him a cup of tea and take her normal positioning on her couch. She gives me a pointed look and jerks her head.

"Um- uh." I look down at the journal in my lap and grasp it tightly, swallowing the lump in my throat. "I- I wanted to st-start over." I flinched at my own stuttering, when had I ever been this nervous? "I wrote a song, well songs, a lot of them." I all but tossed the spiral into his lap. His eyes roamed over my face. My eyes watered as his hands went to open the cover, but his eyes stayed on my face. "I- I just, I want to make something that I was proud of, ya know?" I rambled wiping my eyes quickly. "I- I want to be better. I'm still working on that, b-but I'd really like for you to see that too." I wanted, needed, his approval. Knowing that I was actually doing something worth pursuing. Showing someone else from my pre-drug-induced-haze that I really was trying. Brown was the first person to tell me that I shouldn't have to conform to my mother's preset ideas.

He was right. He was always right.

"I- I," The tears dribbled over again, and Brown covered my hand with his.

"Come by the studio tomorrow." He placed the spiral in my hands. "Show us _all_ what you have, love."

* * *

She sat at the piano. In all my years of instructing her, seeing her preform, watching her spiral, I had never seen her even touch a keyboard. She must play often, her posture showed that she was more than comfortable siting on the wooden bench. She took out the battered spiral and flipped to a page, then closed it again and set it on the piano stand. She placed her hands and started what sounded to be a plea bargain.

_I've lived a lot of different lives_  
_Been different people many times_  
_I live my life in bitterness_  
_And fill my heart with emptiness_

How many times had I seen her fall into the same pattern? Diva, Tantrum, Trouble, and Falseness. She was acknowledging that, her constant state of shifting and taking her own anger out on others. She was accepting that she was an angry, confused, and very hurt young woman.

_And now I see, I see it for the first time:_  
_There is no crime in being kind_  
_Not everyone is out to screw you over._  
_Maybe, oh just maybe they just wanna' get to know ya'._

I could see very clearly who she was picturing.

After all this time, I could see the lasting impression that my nephew had left.

She was giving him the praise he deserved for the kindness he gave away freely. Kindness that she'd previously thrown in his face.

_Now the time is here,_  
_Baby you don't have to live your life in fear_  
_And the sky is clear, is clear of fear_

_Don't wanna' live in fear and loathing_  
_I wanna' feel like I am floating_  
_Instead of constantly exploding_  
_In fear and loathing_

Her shoulders trembled and the pieces fell into place. Tess knew that she had been spiraling. Knew that she was on a path of self-detonation if she hadn't cleaned up in time. She feared what she'd become, a bloody mess. So much like her mother, that I think she forgot that she didn't have to follow in her mother's footsteps.

_Got different people inside my head_  
_I wonder which one that they like best_  
_I'm done with tryin' to have it all_  
_And endin' up with not much at all._

Is this what it had taken to break her from her drugged stupor? Being done with not being enough for people and, even worse, not enough for herself? No one cared for Tess when they were sober. She was only useful to them when they were drunk, and she realized that. She had to be strong enough to stand on her own.

_And now the time is here,_  
_Baby you don't have to live your life in fear_  
_And the sky is clear, is clear of fear_  
_Of fear_

_Don't wanna' live in fear and loathing_  
_I wanna' feel like I am floating_  
_Instead of constantly exploding_  
_In fear and loathing._

_And when the time comes along_  
_And the lights run out,_  
_I know where I will belong_  
_When they blow me out._

This new sound was so different than what people usually expected from the pop princess. Worn, tired and angry; the baring of a soul into the music. It was the potential everyone had seen in her finally coming into fruition. She was finally ready to be on her own.

"Hey love, what would you say to a little bit of recording today?"


	2. Radioactive

A/N: Thank you so much to Anna, Beth, and Logan for helping me with this fic [even though Anna detests Jess] This Quad is based of a series of videos done by Marina and the Diamonds off of their new album "Electra Heart" [thus the title]. This one is called "Radioactive", and while I didn't use it for inspiration for this particular section, I recommend watching this video.

* * *

Caitlyn bobbed her head as the synthesizer mixed in with the vocal score. The pulsing beat was definitely something that would play well over the radio, but the lyrics seemed sinister.

_Lying on a fake beach  
You'll never get a tan  
Baby I'm gonna leave you drowning until you reach for my hand_

_In the night your heart is full and by the morning empty_  
_But baby I'm the one who left you, you're not the one who left me_

This was a girl who knew that her life was plastic and had embraced it, and effectively shut everyone around her off. It struck home with Caitlyn because, despite the up-beat pulse, she knew this story. Hell, she'd seen a similar version play out right in front of her.

_When you're around me, I'm radioactive  
My blood is burning, radioactive  
I'm turning radioactive  
My blood is radioactive  
My heart is nuclear  
Love is all that I feel  
I'm turning radioactive  
My blood is radioactive  
_

Radioactive. She was saying that this love that she was in was poison, it effected her down to her very core and terrified her. But the singer didn't realize it until she wasn't around them anymore, when she wasn't addicted to their presence, feeding off of that negative energy.

_Waiting for the night fall, for my heart to light up  
Oh baby I want you to die for, for you to die for my love_

_In the night your heart is full and by the morning empty_  
_But baby I'm the one who left you, you're not the one who left me_

Obviously she didn't want to be hurt, the singer had enough of that but she couldn't figure out how to turn the tables. Blow after blow and she wasn't sure that she was strong enough to take it anymore.

_[Bridge]  
Tonight I feel like neon gold  
I take one look at you and I grow cold  
And I grow cold...  
And I grow cold..._

The more she listened, the more Caitlyn recognized not only the story, but that the voice was Tess'. The previous sympathy she felt for the crooner flew out the window and her blood boiled as Caitlyn picked the song apart with little success. Resentment added into the mix because, as much as she hated to admit it and loved to hate Tess, the song was pretty damn catchy.

_When you're around me, I'm radioactive  
My blood is burning, radioactive  
I'm turning radioactive  
My blood is radioactive  
My heart is nuclear  
Love is all that I feel  
Ready to be let down  
Now I'm heading for a meltdown _

Her hands moved minutely, fixing the few vocal tendencies and editing out what she felt was excessive. _Wait, why am I helping her?_ The thought made Caitlyn pause. I_ could destroy her, with the press of a button, I could end her._

The idea was certainly appealing, she sank further into the plush rolling chair, drumming her fingers on her ballooning stomach.

"Hey." Andy murmured with a grin shutting the door silently behind him.

"Hey drummer boy." He hummed affectionately, kissing the top of her head. "How are you two?" She sighed pettily.

"Other than the crushing disappointment that your child seems to like me drumming my fingers instead of actual movement, pretty good." Andy gave a bashful smile while stroking her stomach reverently. "Don't looks so pleased with yourself, Mr. Dodds." Caitlyn shoved his shoulder playfully. "They're nicer than I am too." She sigh and turned back to the board and restarting the song.

Andy pulled a chair up next to her and she rested her head on his shoulder. "Song's good."

"The singer is Tess." He hummed thoughtfully, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "Still it's a good song."

"I know." Caitlyn sulked. "Originally, I wanted to mess this song up, but" She crossed her arms with a huff, burrowing further into his arms as the chair would allow. "I think it's the hormones, because I don't want to do it at the same time." She glanced up at his face, his expression was curious as he continued to listen to the track.

"She's never written like this before." Caitlyn's brow furrowed.

"How do you know that she wrote the song?" Andy leaned forward, despite her whines of protest, moving the track back. _"Tonight I feel like neon gold."_

"Neon gold. Who else would use _neon gold_?" Caitlyn shrugged and went to end the track, only to hear a recorded conversation.

"_Great job, Tess" _Brown's voice praised

"_Thank you."_ The recording spoke, sounding less confident then Tess would have, Andy's eyebrows rose.

"_No, Tess, I think you really did an excellent job in this session." _

"_Thanks Brown. Hey can we rap this up? I have another appointment today."_

"_Therapy?"_

"_No, well sort of. It's to make sure that I'm clean."_

"_is that a parolee thing?"_

"_No, I didn't get arrested. It's just to keep myself honest, unless you count Dana." _the recording joked weakly.

Brown gave an encouraging laugh. "_Well, you you get on then, love. Dana is scarier than any bobbies I've ever run into.."_ a few clicks later, showed that Brown had intended to record the conversation and for Caitlyn to hear it.

"She went to rehab?" Caitlyn whispered, Andy murmured an affirmative noise stroking her hair.

"You know and this might be the baby again, but I used to see a lot of similarity between us."

"I could see that." She gave him a look of disbelief. "You said it, not me."

"Care to elaborate on that?" He shrugged.

"You both had parents that were almost nonexistent, wanted to be the best, liked to stand out, both of you like to party," he poked her sides and she made that whining noise again, "a little too much maybe, and you both have a habit of hurting those you love." He finished softly.

She climbed out of her chair and into his lap.

"But I came around, didn't I? Before it was to late." Caitlyn asked softly, not liking to talk about the hell she'd put Andy through.

He chuckled softly and held her close. "Honestly, I would have waited as long as it took Cait." This caused her to pause.

"But I hurt you. For so long. Are you telling me that you would have waited for as long as it took for me to come around?" She asked lacing their fingers go ether. "If I thought this would ever happen, even for a split second," he rested his hand on her stomach, "then yes."

She nodded her head and sat in silence for a little while.

"What if Jason is waiting?" Andy shrugged, pulling his wife closer and kissing the top of her head.

"Oh, so now you choose to stop talking. Great, just great." She sulk for a moment before grinning wickedly. He narrowed his eyes as she lifted herself away from him, this could go one of two ways and both were equally thrilling and terrifying.

"Isn't that how we got a baby?"

"Technicalities, and we were married first." She clicked the lock and shut the blinds.

"I thought I_ was_ talking." He murmured as she straddled his lap.

"Not the type of talking I want." She laughed dropping a kiss on his neck and laughing breathlessly as he gripped her hips. "You swear more in the type of speech I'm thinking of." He shut his eyes as she made her way up from his collar bone. "I can wait you out, Caitlyn."

"Challenge accepted drummer boy."

* * *

"Dana! Guess what?" Dana grinned, squeezing Sander's hand out of habit. Life was finally becoming a little easier.

"What's up Tess?" Sander in turn jerked to a stop tugging her with him, worry and confusion painted over his features. Dana rolled her eyes and pressed a finger to her lips before putting Tess on speaker.

"I'm _painting, _like honest to God painting my bedroom! By myself!" Dana heard a crash and Tess let out a squeal before laughing. "Maybe I shouldn't have put the pail on the ladder?" Dana joined in Tess' laughter, shaking her head at her friend's new found joy.

"Maybe not, Tee." She smirked as she watched her boyfriend stare at the phone in shock, she knew exactly what he was thinking.

"Oh! Oh! And I was thinking that maybe we'd do the living room in sort of an orange and cream. I want it to feel warm, I want it to be somewhere where it..." Tess trailed off, finding the words caught in her throat. Dana gave the phone a sad smile.

"You want to feel like you're home. Like you're safe." Tess gave a watery sniff.

"Yeah, yeah. I want that so much. I want that more than anything. I don't want just a bunch of stuff. I want a_ home_." Sander swallowed thickly, resisting the urge to clear his throat of guilt. He had a feeling that he wasn't supposed to hear any of this.

"Oh baby, you're on your way. You're sober, you're getting help and you're writing again." Dana encouraged her. "Tess, that's amazing in it's self. Look at how far you've come!"

"But what if no one else does?"

Dana shook her head, the changes were as much external as internal. It was impossible not to see how much happier, not to mention healthier, Tess was.

"They will." She squeezed Sander's hand and made eye contact with him. "They have too." Tess gave another sniffle and sighed.

"Y-yeah." Tess didn't sound convinced at all, so Dana did what Dana does best, she redirected the conversation.

"When do you want to go get your new stuff?"

"Soon, I guess. It's getting kind of rough sleeping on the floor." Dana rolled her eyes again.

"Tess, you should have just bought a mattress."

"I don't want to get ripped off."

"It's a mattress."

"No, it's _my_ mattress. I want to do this right." Tess insisted, her former weeping almost nonexistent.

Sander grinned a little and nodded at Dana.

"Oh believe me honey, you're doing it right."

* * *

I couldn't breathe.

Everything hurt to much even by just looking at him.

I wanted to cry, laugh, hold him, kiss him, scream, but I stayed silent. Reaching for him would be just too much, too real, just watching him through the glass was enough. Sander and Andy were playing something over the speakers for him, he was having mixed emotions about the music. His fingers twitched to play an instrument but his shoulders remained tense. It was amazing how much you could still remember and stayed the same from a boy to a man.

I wonder if he was still more boy than man.

Had I taken that from him?

My throat itched at the thought. I hope I hadn't, Jason was absolutely beautiful from the inside and out, and I didn't deserve to rob people of that.

"What if he won't love me anymore?" No one can hear me from the other side of the glass, but voicing it out loud hurts more than keeping it inside. It burns and tears at the little pieces of my heart. I close my eyes, resting my head on the glass, listening to the faint music. My face scrunched. This was my work, _Fear and Loathing_ from the sounds of it. "Please Jason, please hear me."

I relive the moment of writing_ Fear and Loathing_.

Writing the chorus in eyeliner on a mirror in the "Hair Salon" because I wasn't sure that I'd remember it when I woke-up again, _if_ I woke-up again. Calling Dana when I woke, not saying a word but sobbing endlessly into the receiver. Being shuffled from the house into a car, from the car into a rehabilitation center and into a hairstylist's arms.

My eyes burned from the tears welling behind my eyelids. If Jason couldn't hear me, I'd lost half of my battle. Not my war, because I was still alive and breathing, but my heart would ache for something I knew would never want me again. Sending my thoughts to every being I'd ever heard of; I prayed, wished,_ begged_ for Jason to hear what I was saying.

Breathe, I must remember to breathe.

I opened my eyes and forgot all over again.

On the other side of the glass was Jason, standing as close as the glass would let him, hand pressed against the glass with tears streaming down cheeks.

_He heard me._


	3. The Archetypes

A/N: Thank you so much to Anna, Beth, and Logan for helping me with this fic [even though Anna detests Jess] This Quad is based of a series of videos done by Marina and the Diamonds off of their new album "Electra Heart" [thus the title]. This one is called "The Archetypes".

* * *

The TV flickered as the colors faded to black and white. An image of Tess Tyler was planted in the middle; no make up, hair brushed but not styled, and in a simple tee-shirt and jeans. The camera focused in on her face as the music started. No lip syncing and no gimmicks. It was just an examination of Tess. Her voice was was delicate and light, off setting the hidden message behind her lyrics.

_Housewife, Beauty Queen, Homewrecker, Idle teen._

_The ugly years of being a fool, ain't youth meant to be beautiful_

_Queen of no identity_

_I always feel like someone else_

_A living myth_

_I grew up in a lie_

_I can be anyone_

_A study in identity & illusion_

_An Ode to Cindy_

_A living film_

_A Real fake_

_And you will never know_

_Love._

_Electra Heart, I resolve._

_Through others, we become ourselves_

_- The Archetypes_

The camera zoomed out as she reached for it, then zoomed in. Tess laid her palm flat, as if she was trapped inside of the screen, her eyes darting around with a certain sadness. They landed dead center and then the screen suddenly went dark.

* * *

"And that was Tess Tyler's new leak _The Archetypes. _Now Tess, what exactly does this single mean to you?" Renee Wright, the maker and breaker of Hollywood fame, asked. Tess' leg bounced nervously on the TV, and she grinned, knowing that this was the moment that would decide where things would go from here.

Jason wished that he could be there, to hold and comfort her after the interrogation, but Tess had become stronger. But his eyes stayed glued to the TV as she licked her lips and prepped a response.

"Well Renee, I think it's a description of every young woman. We all have these insecurities and faults with in us, and for me personally, we've bottled them up. It's sort of a in-look on what I was thinking when I went to rehab. I kept thinking of who I was, who I could be and everything that I've felt in the past few years and what I wanted to bring into me being a woman."

The camera zoomed in on her face as she pushed her hair behind her ear.

"It's this idea that you're part of these things. Scandal with the Homewrecker, sort of a falseness with the Beauty Queen, a dream of family and a fear of constraint with the Housewife, broken and underachieved dreams through the Idle teen. It's these archetypes that society feels like you have to conform too, but why do you have to pick one? Why can't we be all of these things?" Renee nodded, obviously please with these answers.

"So would you say that you thought a lot about this during your stint in rehab?"

Jason sucked in a breath as Tess's image did as well, he knew that it was like opening up a wound again but, unfortunately for her, it's something that she can't avoid. Life for them was public record, cameras flashing, blinding lights, and people injecting themselves into your business even if they didn't belong there.

"Yes, how could I not? You don't get much in a clinic. No TV, internet, and movies. You get your thoughts, paper and a pen. When you go in, you think 'Oh, this won't be that bad'. But it is, because there's not one moment where you're doing something mindless. You're engaged all the time and you just spin all the time." She clears her throat that had become thick with emotion. "A-and you're just stuck with all of these emotions, but they teach you how to become stronger and how to draw from inside of yourself and that you don't have to spin all the time."

Renee's hands folded into a steeple in front of her mouth and that made Jason nervous. He hated not being able to read an interviewer's face, it makes it harder to predict questions.

"So are there any particular people who help keep you from 'spinning'?"

Tess smiles slightly and nodded. The simple action says so much to him and so much to people who have known her for years.

"Dana Turner, for sure. Without her," Tess paused again and cleared her throat before she started. "Without her, I wouldn't be here." On TV, making music, or just plain _alive._ She didn't say that out loud, but it should be pretty obvious to anyone who's ever seen a headline. Jason nodded at her answer, even though no one was watching, it's nice to hear a confirmation of his thoughts. "I also have my therapist to thank, Dr. Helen Talbot. And Cesario Brown for even giving me a millionth chance."

"And what, exactly, do you mean by that?" Tess laughed and leaned back into the chair.

"Oh my gosh, I was a brat. I was horrible and always plotting to take down the competition." She wished for the simplicity of the those years, much like he does. "I was so great at tearing down other people, hurting those who tried to help me. I wanted people to hurt as much as I was," It wasn't news that her home life was horrible, especially after her very public emancipation at seventeen. But the tie was always going to be there,_ Tess Tyler_ would always closely follow after_ TJ Tyler_ and vise verses. "and I was good at that. I hurt so many people that cared for me. I'm just lucky that they're also making the effort to see that I've changed."

"You mean like Connect 3 guitarist, Jason Gray." It's not a question and Tess reluctantly nods her head. "Now, if I may ask, what exactly has developed between the two of you? The last time you two seemed this close was in your teens."

Jason waited for her answer like a man on a prayer, because he's wondered the same thing. After that day in the recording studio, he'd slowly let her back in and tried to help her pick her life back up a little. But there was still that doubt, a doubt that only seemed to melt away when ever their lips collided, or as her finger tips traced his face gently, or rested her head on his chest just to listen to his heart beat.

Tess chuckled slowly, running a hand up her arm, looking out at the audience.

"Jason has always been on of the most important people in my life. When I lost him," She clears her throat two or three times before she can speak. "I- I lost a light in the darkness. I never knew how much I hurt him or abused our relationship until I didn't have it anymore. So, right now, I'm trying to be someone he deserves as a friend and we'll see where it goes from here."

"Well, you two are spending a lot of time together, aren't you?"

Tess laughed and shrugged her shoulders.

"What can I say? We're building a bird house."

The metaphor wasn't lost on him, and his heart swelled.

* * *

I love him.

It doesn't take a genius to see that, but I know he's waiting for me to say it out loud. He's making sure that _I'm_ ready for that part of our relationship. My admission to myself isn't so much of a surprise as it is a weight off my chest. In the dark, I can feel his breath flying across my neck, and it feels different. Instead of being irritated I feel comforted, protected even. Turning to face him, I can make out his features only from the moonlight drifting through the window. My hands tremble as I gently run my fingers across his cheeks and over his jaw. Jason's arm tightens around me, bringing us even closer than we were even seconds ago. My lips turn up in a slight smile, I can't believe that this is my life now, and my hands still shake as I brush a curl off his forehead. It feels like a dream, but it isn't, it's real and lovely.

He groans softly in his sleep, and my hands still and the corners of his mouth turn up in a small smile, but he remains asleep. I sigh happily closing my eyes and curling into his chest. We aren't prefect, no couple is, but it feels like perfection. We'll have our problems, we're both human, but we'll work through them _together._

"Can you run your hand through my hair again?" Jason's voice is tired and groggy and my eyes flash open.

"I- I didn't mean to wa-"

"Hair, please?" The tip of his nose runs across my cheek as he pleas with me. I'm more than happy to comply, his hair is softer than I remembered as a teen. His eyes open slowly. "It's a bit early to wake up, but I could get used to this." He leans over and my breath hitches because I know what comes next.

Jason doesn't disappoint as his lips touch mine softly. I sigh softly, my fingers sinking into the curls. I can feel his grin before he slowly backs away from the kiss.

"I-" My heart pounds and I try to regain my breath. "I think you mean late. It's still night time." Jason grins and rolls to where he's hovering over me. My blood thrums strongly in my ear drums as Jason places his lips on my own in a searing kiss, his teeth drag against my bottom lip and I feel the whimper hum in my throat. He gives a throaty chuckles before moving to my neck, continuing to scrape his teeth against my week spots. Then without much warning, Jason latches on to my ear lobe and I feel my toes curl.  
"Well Lee, is that your heart beat?" He smirks against my neck, his hands ghosting up my sides and my breath catches in my throat. Now, I should tell him now.

"J-jason." He sits back and looks at me with a happy smile.

"Yes Lee?" I love it when he calls me that, when he traces those tiny circles on my hips like he is now, and- and I I just love him.

"I love you." The words come easily, but my heart falters as his smile fades.

"Wh-what?" I can't breath, the world has stopped spinning, and I realize that maybe I've said to much.

"Thessaly, please say it again. Just one more time." His eyes are closed and I feel the need to move closer. Slowly, I take his face in my hands. Softly, I place a kiss on his eyelids while brushing my thumbs across his cheeks.

"Jason Allen Gray, I love you."

"Again?" He asks bearably above a whisper and pulls me into a hug and places a kiss on my forehead.

"I love you." He takes a shaky breath and rests his head against mine.

"Again."

"I love you." I wipe away the stray tears that have fallen on his cheeks.

"God," his voice is thick and he captures my lips again. "I love you too. I love you."

* * *

No one understands why Jason never lost faith in Tess. But Mitchie tries.

She tries to understand what happened to Tess for her to have lost faith in herself. Because sometimes Mitchie's faith is the only thing she can cling too. She tries wrap her mind around the idea that Tess could throw her love away, because Shane makes her stronger. As Tess leans back into Jason subtle touch, Mitchie knows. Tess had ran away from her life, scared of the options and afraid of what she might feel.

Mitchie could understand that better than most.

So, it's on that thought that Mitchie walks over to the couple and wraps Tess in a hug.

Because Mitchie had been afraid too.

* * *

Nate didn't believe that Jason was stupid. Jason just wore his heart on his sleeve.

That worried him, because he'd seen first hand the negative effects of Tess on Jason. Nate also didn't think that people can change. By nature, people were down right awful to those who least deserved it, and often refused to see the error of their ways. It took close to a divine intervention for Shane and Tess never seemed to learn her lesson.

"Hey professor, what's going on in that head of yours?" Ella rested her head on his shoulder and followed the direction of his gaze. Mitchie was enveloping Tess in a hug. "Oh, that." Ella sighed and continued to watch their interactions.

"How do you feel about it?" Nate asked, pulling her closer to his side. Ella shrugged and let out another sigh.

"About what?"

"Tess." Nate urged her on "I figured you'd have something to say." Again Ella shrugged.

"I think Tess has made a lot of progress." That wasn't what he expected in the slightest and Nate was sure to voice that. Ella pulled away from him and smiled slightly. "You forget, I knew the pattern. It could have been any of us in her spot. We were just luck to know love and that we knew what we had and we were strong enough to pull through."

Nate's brow furrowed thoughtfully, Ella had more social graces than he did and he remembered the brief time Ella spent on the party circuit. But she'd never gone over board, just enough to have fun and over a period of time.

Nate kept Ella grounded. Maybe Jason kept _her_ grounded?

* * *

Shane had a lot of respect for Tess but that didn't mean he trusted her with his brother's heart.

"Tell me what you're thinking." Shane raised he head defiantly under her gaze.

"I don't trust you with my brother." Tess rolled the water bottle around in her hands as looked past him and towards Jason talking animatedly with Ella and Peggy.

"I wouldn't either." Tess agreed, leaning forward on the counter and avoiding eye contact. "But I'm not asking you too." Shane drummed his fingers on the counter. "I'm asking for you to let me love him."

And Shane respected that.

* * *

"Do you think they'll like me?" Tess tugged her bangs slightly and Jason grinned, taking her hands and kissing them lightly but it did nothing to answer her question. "_Ja_-son," she whined, a slight pout forming at her lips. Jason laughed and pulled her closer to him.

"You used to be better at that, Lee." Her lips turned upward as he leaned in brushed his lips softly against hers, causing her heart to quiver. The door swung open and Mr. Gray clapped Jason on the shoulder.

"Jason, you're late." He gave a small grin and spared a glance at Tess before ushering them inside. "Tabitha, Jason's here with his date." He called over his shoulder before heading back to the TV room. Tess gulped nervously as she heard a clatter of heels heading down the hall and she squeezed Jason's hand gently. Jason smiled as his mother came into the room, rushing him with a hug and all warmth left Tess as Jason embraced her.

_What was she doing here?_

They chatted happily for a moment, and she watched them from the outside. Her smile faltered as Jason reached for her, joining her hand with his. She could feel her hands sweating and Jason squeezed her hand and tossed a wink her way. "Mama, this is Lee." Jason passed Tess's hand from his to his mother and, in his eyes, he couldn't have pictured a better moment when his mother folded her into a hug. This is where Tess belonged and maybe in time she'd see that too.

"Hello, I believe we've met before." Mrs. Gray's lightly accented voice held a bit of suspicion in it as Jason went to join his father. Tess swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded her head guiltily."I believe that you're the one who told Jason that chasing a dream was as pointless as going to a star" Tess's nostrils flared and she hung her head in shame.

"I was very young and foolish." Mrs. Gray raised an eyebrow and guided her into the kitchen.

"Really now? It seemed that you were quite sure that you were correct." Mrs. Gray gave a quite smile as Tess continued to plead guilty. "My brother and Jason's brothers seemed quite distressed that he'd taken a liking to you." She circled the counter an lifted Tess's chin. "But never Jason, ever." Tabitha's green eyes wandered over Tess's face and she whipped off a smudge from Tess's cheek. "I've never seen someone so determined to love someone. To help someone."

Tess smiled slightly and turned her head away.

"He's an amazing man."

"And you're an amazing woman." Tabitha gathered plates from the cabinet and Tess's head jerked after her. "Don't look so surprised." Tabitha gave a slow smile and shook her head. "Jason told me everything, about you, your mother and how he was scared for you. But after all that, you made it through. Cessario was telling me the other day about your song, I must say that it was very powerful. You're very different than who you were back then."

Tabitha set the table and hummed slightly.

"You've grown as a woman, as a human being. People may not under stand it, some may not like it, but when I see him look at you..." Tears sprang into the older woman's eyes. "I know that this is where you belong. In my family with my son."

The front door opened and broke the women out of their silence, the table sprang to life and Tess found herself surrounded by familiar and _welcoming_ faces.

Jason kissed her cheek as he slid her chair in place and Tess felt her throat tighten.

Maybe she belonged more than she'd originally thought.


	4. Primadonna

**A/N:** THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR VOTES AT THE INDIE CAMP ROCK AWARDS! I'm so lucky to have won and done so wonderfully in my first year!

I took home:

**Best Jason/Tess** (Electra Heart)

**Best Tess** (Electra Heart)

**Best Nate** (Last Train Home)

**Best Caitlyn** (Seconds)

**Best Romance** (Camper's Catalog)

**Best Angst** (Seconds)

**Best All-Time Story** (Last Train Home)

**Best One-Shot** (Barefoot CinderElla)

and **Best Breakout Author!** And I know I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you so much to Anna, Beth, and Logan for helping me with this fic [even though Anna detests Jess] This Quad is based of a series of videos done by Marina and the Diamonds. This is the last installment of the series and it's entitled "Primadonna", which is actually the song that inspired this series. While the lyrics do not actually effect the story,_** if you actually read them**_ I'm sure you will see Tess as well.

* * *

** (May)**

The crowd roared as the final notes of Radioactive floated through the air and Tess stood at the edge of the stage, hands in the air and her eyes closed, soaking in this moment. It felt good to be alive again, to hear her name chanted by the fans, to stay up late and wake up early just share what you created. Thessaly Irene Tyler loved everything about touring. Slowly lowering her hands and looking around the crowd, Tess raised the mic to her lips as she walked across the stage.

"I want to take a moment and thank all of you here with me tonight." The crowd gave another ear drum bursting cheer and she grinned. "Many of you know that this the exact same stage I gave my first performance on all those years ago, and this is a really special moment for me to be back here and be back on my game." The crowd picked up again and Tess laughed into the microphone. "I can't even begin to describe to you how amazing it feels to be standing in front of you all again! My new fans, my old fans, even people who just came because they might think a certain guitarist might take the stage with me."

Another round of deafening screams went off as Tess winked to Jason off stage. She laughed and wagged a finger. "Not yet you don't," She crossed the stage and picked up a plastic crown, placing it on her head, she smiled widely. "My little Primadonnas!" A furry of phone flashes and cellphones glowing lit up the stadium, and Tess sat on one of the steps. "I know, right? We've been waiting forever for the right fan base name, and well... here it is!" Tess shrugged and the crowd laughed along with her. She cleared her throat and a hush swept over the crowd.

"This song is talking about the girl I used to be. Someone who was shallow and very superficial. Not to say that I'm not still a little bit of a Primadonna, but I've learned had to work for it a little bit more." She laughed, bouncing her knees and adjusting the crown on her head. "It's also a song about acknowledging your faults and there's also a little bit of shame and innocence in it too." She tucked piece of hair behind her ear. "Oh hell, it just represents who I am and who I was." Tess gave a belly of a laugh and the crowd cheered as the music started up again.

"_Primadonna girl, yeah_,_All I ever wanted was the world"_ Tess held a hand up, blocking her face from the light and stood from the stairs. "_I can't help that I need it all_. _The primadonna life, the rise and fall." _Her face the perfect portrayal of innocence as she slowly walked forward, her voice almost child like as she sang the next line. "_You say that I'm kinda difficult_. _But it's always someone else's fault."_ A sly grin spread across her face as she twirled a piece of hair around her finger. "_Got you wrapped around my finger, babe_. _You can count on me to misbehave"_

Dr. Helen Talbolt waved her sign and sang along with the rest of the crowd, Tess was definitely doing well.

* * *

Primadonna girl,  
Would you do anything for me?  
Buy a big diamond ring for me?  
Would you get down on your knees for me?  
Pop the pretty question right now, baby  
Beauty queen on a silver screen  
Living life like I'm in a dream  
I know I've got a big ego  
I really don't know why it's such a big deal, though

* * *

**(July)**

"Have just one, it wont kill you." I look at the beer that Sander's offered to me and I shake my head. I knew that I could never have _just one_.

"Thanks, but I better be safe than sorry." I said, taking a towel from Dana and patting my face down. The crowd gave me more of a buzz than any amount of alcohol could. If only I could bottle that up and use it on a rough day.

"Well, I'm glad to see you're fixed." Andy stated, taking a drink of his own beer before wrapping an arm around a very pregnant Caitlyn Dodds.

"I'm not fixed." The room goes silent and I feel my skin crawl. "It's not something that can be repaired. I struggle every day, but knowing that I have my life to look forward too make it easier."

"Doesn't Jason making things a little bit easier?" Dana teased, taking the towel back and throwing it into one of the hampers that Ella had bought for the tour bus. I smiled softly, shaking my head.

"Of course he does, but I can't rely just on him. I'll never be able to love him like he deserves if I can't love myself." I sigh happily, wiping my make-up off slowly.

The occupants of the room slowly began to chatter again, obviously pleased with my answer. My phone dings from it's spot on the counter and my heart leaps into my throat as Jason's name flashes on the screen.

It's just a simple "Caught the show on TV, you were amazing. Love you." But it means so much. I still think it's unbelievable that he loves me. Jason Allen Gray loves me.

I don't need a heavy diamond ring on my finger to prove that, not like I once did. I can feel it in my heart. The way everything suddenly feels lighter when he walks in the room, my day becomes a little more exciting, and I just can't stop smiling.

I had thought that I knew what love was.

I've sung hundreds of song proclaiming love, written thousands more, but I was really clueless.

Love wasn't about getting everything you wanted.

It's about falling in love with the same person every day, finding that little quirk that irritates you one minute and then adore the next, using their shampoo because you're out of your own. All those little thing make love special to me, and it feels marvelous.

* * *

(Ooh) And I'm sad to the core, core, core  
(Yeah) Every day is a chore, chore, chore  
(Wow) When you give, I want more, more, more  
I wanna be adored  
'Cause I'm a primadonna girl, yeah  
All I ever wanted was the world  
I can't help that I need it all  
The primadonna life, the rise and fall  
You say that I'm kinda difficult  
But it's always someone else's fault  
Got you wrapped around my finger, babe  
You can count on me to misbehave

* * *

**(****September)**

"And the winner of Best Female Pop Video goes to..." My throat tightens and I can hardly feel Jason's grip on my hand anymore. "Tess Tyler with Primadonna!" Leaping to my feet, I find myself engulfed in a hug from Jason before being ushered to the stage. Taking the Moon Man in my hands, I take a shaky breath.

"Whoa, just whoa." Tears cloud my eyes and I try and fan them back. "Thi-this really means a lot to me guys. It took a whole lot of something to put your faith in me and this new music that I was all about, but man, has it been worth it!" I ramble squeezing the trophy in my hand, I'm still not sure if this was all real or not. "I'd like to thank Helen, Brown, the Gray family, everyone at the label, Jason, and the fans! God, I could not have done this with out you!"

Taking another breath, I hold the award in the air. "This one is for all of you, my Primadonnas. I want you all to know. For those of you that have been lost, hurt, scared, and still searching... it is never too late. Never give up, never back down from who you are or who you want to be. This award is for all of you to tell you that you can make it too."

Mitchie stands first, clapping wildly. Followed by Nate, Shane, Caitlyn and Andy, Sander and Dana. But the wide grin that's on Jason's face means more to me than any title that I could win.

For the first time in a long time, I start to feel whole again.

* * *

Primadonna girl fill the void up with Celluloid  
Take a picture, I'm with the boys  
Get what I want 'cause I ask for it  
Not because I'm really that deserving of it  
Living life like I'm in a play  
In the lime light, I want to stay  
I know I've got a big ego  
I really don't know why it's such a big deal, though

* * *

**(November)**

"So one day, we're going to be married." It not a question, but it hangs heavily in the air as Jason voices it. I can't breath and the cup in my hand trembles. Jason continues to load the dishwasher, his back facing me and I feel a cowardly thankfulness that he can't see me. "Not now, maybe not any time soon, but one day." Again, it's a statement, like something he knows will come in to fruition.

"I'd like that." It comes so naturally that I almost don't believe that I've said it out loud. He looks over his shoulder and smiles at me, that one look that he reserves just for me and I feel the corners of my mouth start to rise in response. "But I'm still scared." I admit quietly, tapping the rim of my tea cup.

Jason abandons his post at the sink, laying his hands around mine and placing a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"I know, and that's fine for now." He removes one of his hands from mine and sweeps his thumb across my cheek, blood rising to the surface almost immediately. "You need your own space, you're still trying to figure out what to do and who you are. I get that." My spring to my eyes and I feel just the slightest bit of embarrassment of how easily Jason makes me forget myself. "But I just want you to think about it, of our future."

"It's all I think about sometimes." I confess, shifting in my chair under his watch. Sighing, I lean into the palm of his hand, just resting there for a minute. "I hate making you wait like this." Jason laughs and moves to my side of the counter, pulling me close to his chest.

"Tess, I'll wait as long as it takes. Knowing that I have you here in my arms, knowing that you love me, that's enough for right now." Jason places a feather light kiss on my jaw line and my heart-beat speeds up just slightly. "You'll always be worth waiting for, Tess."

He holds my face in his hands, slowly brushing his thumbs on my cheeks, softly pressing his lips to mine. The taste of him is almost intoxicating and it makes me wonder how I could have walked away from this before. The heady feeling as his fingers tangle into the roots of my hair, the slight stinging sensation as his teeth nip on lips only to be soothed away again. He only gives me a teasing grin at my whine when he backs away, taking my hand and placing a gentle kiss on my knuckles while leaning on the counter.

And it hits me, how easy it all feels. And I can see it clear as day.

I see us like this. Drinking tea, watching bad movies, doing dishes together and having moments exactly like this one.

In love, happy, in each others arms for years from now. It's what I want, and I can see myself there with Jason. It's been Jason the whole time and I had been just too blind to see it. And I know that it'll take time and effort to reach that point, but I finally feel worthy of Jason because I can see that future for us too. I know that I deserve that future as much as he does, and what's more, I deserve to have it _with_ him.

I'm not so scared of the future anymore because I know what it will hold and the answer is so simple.

My future will always have Jason.

* * *

(Ooh) Going up, going down, down, down  
(Yeah) Anything for the crown, crown, crown  
(Wow) With the lights dimming down, down, down  
I spin around

'Cause I'm a primadonna girl, yeah  
All I ever wanted was the world  
I can't help that I need it all  
The primadonna life, the rise and fall  
You say that I'm kinda difficult  
But it's always someone else's fault  
Got you wrapped around my finger, babe  
You can count on me to misbehave

* * *

**(January)**

"..._ some are calling it the engagement of the decade. Singer, Tess Tyler, and Connect Three member, Jason Gray, have never been quite about their relationship. They got together sometime after Tess's very public stint in rehab. It's said that the guitarist helped Tyler through the emotional time in her life and they even rekindled the spark that they once had when they were teenagers. The two have taken America's hearts by surprise and have won many people over._

_While their relationship has been far from perfect, we're pleased to say that the couple appears to be relatively normal. We expect the wedding to match it's featured guest. Most are predicting a small chapel wedding with only a few friends and family. My personal bet is on a court house wedding and huge party._

_But down to the detail you really want to know..._

_It's said that Tyler actually made a custom bird house for Gray's birthday, and Mister Gray proposed soon after that. Tess has been shown all over town with a modest diamond on her finger, something well with in the average person's price range, but the band detail was custom designed by Gray himself. The silver is actually shaped to be intertwining branches, form what might be a small nest to hold the diamond._

_Tyler has been known to say _

_Quote 'I've never been so happy in my entire life... Jason is a truly amazing man, and I make sure to remind myself of that everyday. I'm lucky to have him...'_

_I guess dreams still do come true out here in Hollywood._

_This is Renee Wright, signing off"_

* * *

Primadonna girl, yeah  
All I ever wanted was the world  
I can't help that I need it all  
The primadonna life, the rise and fall  
You say that I'm kinda difficult  
But it's always someone else's fault  
Got you wrapped around my finger, babe  
You can count on me to misbehave  
Primadonna girl

**(The End)**


End file.
